Christopher Hitchens Passes a Kidney Stone by Ken Brosky

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Christopher Hitchens Passes a Kidney Stone

By Ken Brosky

Previously unpublished fiction

Oh Jesus God. Holy shit. Holy … mother of all that's holy … holy fucking shit. This isn't real. This is a dream no this isn't a dream this is hell holy shit I'm in hell and the devil's got a pitchfork up my urethra Jesus God one more push—fuck one more push isn't going to do it!

Dammit. Dammit all and damn grandpappy Hitchens and his grandpappy and everyone else whose genes contributed to this bullshit. This is hell. This is hell on earth and I'm trying to pass a jagged rock of a baby through a tube with the diameter of a pin.

It's got to be the size of a fist. Dammit this isn't a stone it's a piece of glacier ice drifting along with my urine. Dammit!

Come on, you son of a bitch. Get out. Oh god, get this out of me, get it out and I'll do anything you want. I'll even capitalize your fucking name from now on. God, get this out. Get this—

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh.

Oh. Holy … shit. Look at the size of that bastard.